ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
You Might Also Like
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Mouse
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.