Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
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Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism