Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
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If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week