Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
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When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket