Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
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Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.