@rachelle_mandik
@AndyAsAdjective me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
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@AndyAsAdjective 
@dru0887 No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
@Rollinintheseat If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
@DaveWeasel If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
@KimmyMonte Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
@Tetley6969 I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
@ariscott Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
@XplodingUnicorn 11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
@Jazzzzzmina Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
@BerrymoreBlue Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!