*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
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I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
When someone trying to leave me
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim