*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

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me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…


No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.


If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.


If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.


I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.


Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!


11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.


Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now


Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!