@GingerHotDish I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
@secondofhername Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
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@GingerHotDish 
@WilliamAder How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
@1Happytwit I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
@CrankyPappy “Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
@urgeekisshowing That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
@GrabTheWEness If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
@EmSlyce I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
@_davidlucas_ So many village idiots. So few dragons.
@dave_cactus DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
@TwinzerDad TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard