Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
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God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.