
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
So inspired right now.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.