Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

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I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.


How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.


I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.


“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.


That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.


If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?


I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?


DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*


TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard