@secondofhername

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

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@ColoradoUgly

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

@BuckyIsotope

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

@greek_heanen

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

@tobyhonk

“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!

@VerifiedDrunk

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

@sucittaM

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

@bobvulfov

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

@pizzajaynow

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

@simoncholland

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.