Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
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you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Very problematic
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*