Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
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Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Fight
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”