Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
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Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I can’t be the only one 😂
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves