Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
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every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.