[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
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Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct