run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
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My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
The prophecy is fulfilled
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
craving $300 all of a sudden
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.