Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
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GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.