[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
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Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Saturday
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.