Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
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alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Happy thanksgiving
Just organising my finances.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.