Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.