Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

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Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.


Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell


him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!


My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.


DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*


My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”


[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP



What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good