@VikingBut
@sunexplode Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
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@sunexplode 
@ItsAndyRyan Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
@catstronomical him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
@Elifcello My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
@TheTimmyToes *hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
@iliezabeth DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
@Marlebean My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
@dogfather [start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
@daemonic3 [interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
@JimmerThatisAll My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.