@VikingBut

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

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@sunexplode

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

@catstronomical

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

@Elifcello

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

@iliezabeth

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

@Marlebean

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

@dogfather

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

@daemonic3

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good