Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.