Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
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127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
May have had one breakfast too many
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”