[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Me trying to walk in a dream
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket