[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
You Might Also Like
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.