@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

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@bmarked21

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

@Marlebean

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

@goodgrief_rats

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

@HomeWithPeanut

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

@Cpin42

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

@TheAndrewNadeau

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

@GraniteDhuine

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

@dafloydsta

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

@

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome