running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
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My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.