Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
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To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.