running feels great unless you compare it to not running

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Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.


“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.


My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.


I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.


[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running


Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time


Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.


No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.