Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
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“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.