running feels great unless you compare it to not running
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I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
i wish all
whales
a very
big
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.