*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
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Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.