[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
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“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.