Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
BRAKING NEWS!!
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.