Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
You Might Also Like
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
So inspired right now.