Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
The Weeknd is back
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion