Running your mouth is not cardio.
You Might Also Like
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
You’ll be OK
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”