*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

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I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.


Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?


Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis


“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”


You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more


Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.


[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”