I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
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Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”