*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
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Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.