Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.