*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
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Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I hope Alan is OK
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.