[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
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Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country