*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
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Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Ape together strong
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.