[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
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True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Chemical wingman
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
podcasts
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while