Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.