@dorsalstream

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

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@krishna_van

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

@nevernicethings

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

@Andrew_S_Dykes

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

@Cheeseboy22

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

@BradBroaddus

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

@lowkyhurt

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

@sundaecone888

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

@garrydavenport

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.