*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

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Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.


FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner


If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.


As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it


If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.


My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.


Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password


Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.


“What do you do for a living?”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”


One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.