*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
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[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭