*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
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Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
🍞🦆
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself