*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
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I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Are we there yet?…
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
giddy up Office Depot
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.