(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
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Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Called it
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
According to math, I’m broke