*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
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(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
no!! no!!!!!!
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy