*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
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Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Simple enough.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”