*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
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As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means