[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
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I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*