*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
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breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
i choose….tongue
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
i like to flex on them by shrugging
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.