[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home