*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
You Might Also Like
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
thanksgiving in nutshell
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”