(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
You Might Also Like
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ