*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
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In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.