@Reverend_Scott

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

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@wownicetweets

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

@PinkCamoTO

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

@STOTLE

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

@TheIronSherk

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

@DadandBuried

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

@5hael

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

@MatCro

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

@david8hughes

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

@hiitsmolly

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met