@wownicetweets They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
@Reverend_Scott [Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
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@wownicetweets 
@PinkCamoTO When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
@STOTLE Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
@TheIronSherk Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
@DadandBuried Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
@5hael If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
@MatCro NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
@david8hughes [phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
@hiitsmolly “I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
@MarloMeekins Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND