Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
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starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”