Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
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It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
“Please hold for the president.”
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I’m sick of women always saying guys only have one thing on their minds. What a load of tits!
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?