Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

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Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.


It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.


People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep


Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”


[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]


“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
“Please hold for the president.”


No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.


I’m sick of women always saying guys only have one thing on their minds. What a load of tits!


By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.


*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?