Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
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ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks