@VitaeArcanum

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

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@TheAndrewNadeau

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

@peachgrenade

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

@toomanycommas3

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

@RealDMK

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

@FrazzleMyGimp

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

@david8hughes

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

@squirrel74wkgn

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

@AllyBallyBeal

I’m sick of women always saying guys only have one thing on their minds. What a load of tits!

@Kica333

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

@huntigula

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?